Why do BPD people stare!?, 👀

This is a page so right out of my book lol. BPD stands for Bipolar Disorder. Yes this letter is what's going through our minds when we look at you "normal" people....

T💋


"Why do people with BPD unconsciously watch / stare at people?

I didn’t even know there was a BPD stare until now. I thought it was just me!


Whenever and wherever we go somewhere either my husband or my kids will suddenly nudge me and tell me to stop staring!


Why do I do it? Well firstly, I swear blind that I don’t do it maliciously. I don’t even know i’m doing it until that nudge brings me out of my trance. I just find people fascinating! It’s like i’m on the outside looking in to a world i’m not a part of; like i’m invisible so no one will catch me scrutinising them anyway.


Someone, anywhere we go will inevitably pique my interest because they look so ‘normal’, well, abnormal to me but what I think ‘normal’ people look like. And because these beings may look like me they will catch my eye because they don’t act like me. They don’t look around nervously, they don’t even seem to be aware of who or what is going on around them. They are in their own little bubbles taking no notice of all the other bubbles around them. This kind of behaviour is totally alien to me and I must admit that I don’t feel entirely safe with all these happy (fake?) family bubbles all around me. So of course, I will watch, ok stare, at them, agog, and take in everything about them.


I take note of their hairstyles, guess at their age and social status, look them up and down at what they are wearing, are they smiling or look dour and I try to guess at why? Do they have children and do they look happy, how do they treat said children? Are they with anyone, how are they interacting with people, do they feel as out of place as I do? They don’t seem to but how come? How can they feel so comfortable and blissfully unaware in their surroundings when I feel so awkward and think that everyone must be staring at me?


How can they just be and act so normally? Are they talking to and laughing with say, the cashier in the supermarket, genuinely or are they acting? Why don’t cashiers talk to me like that? Oh no, that woman is telling off her child? In public?!!! How can she do that? Does she not know everyone is looking her? I mean, they are, aren’t they? - I look around - Is no one else seeing this? Why is no one else noticing this but me? She’s abusing that poor child and nobody else cares! Is this ‘normal’? Is this what ‘normal’ life looks like?


In fact it’s always the ‘normal’ people that intrigue me the most. Not the skinny guy with purple hair who is covered in tattoos or that one with dreadlocks and black make-up smeared across his face; or even that woman who has cutting scars down her arm and is wearing a t’shirt not bothering to hide them - right on sister!


No, it’s the seemingly ‘normal’ families doing their weekly shop or out walking their dog. The happy sound of laughter from a throng of teens as they pass us; are they laughing at me? If not why are they laughing? Are they really happy or faking it?


Do these ‘normal’ people go home without feeling scared and anxious, If I stare at them long enough I figure there will be tells in their behaviour about what their lives are like: I imagine their perfect little (or big) houses, how the mum will do the cooking whilst the dad will mow the lawn and the kids will happily play and run around the house as ‘normal’ crazy little people do. And then they will all sit around the table and eat together, comfortable to chatter about whatever ‘normal’ people chatter about.


I envision the ‘normal kids’ going to a ‘normal’ school where there are lots of other ‘normal’ kids and ‘normal’ parents going off to ‘normal’ jobs with other ‘normal’ employees.


I can tell all of this if I can look, I mean stare, at people long enough but although I try not to catch the eye of the ‘normal’ person I am staring at I am still nudged and told it’s rude to stare!


But seriously, wouldn’t you stare if aliens were shopping, walking, mixing with other people around you?


I decided a long time ago that ‘normal’ people are not to be trusted. They might catch my eye when i’m staring at them and smile at me. Now, why would they do that? They don’t know me! I bet they are talking to the cashier about me and that’s why they’re laughing!


And this is why I give ‘normal’ people a wide berth! Because however nice and happy they seem you can never tell what they are thinking or doing behind your back. This is the real reason I stare at people; to try to work them out. And it’s not as easy as you might think!


Give me a skinny guy with purple hair who is covered in tattoos, or a goth/emo with dreadlocks and black make-up smeared across his face or the girl with the cutting scars down her arm! These people I can read like a book; they express on the outside what they feel on the inside. This is my kind of of normal!


Siân"

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