Selfmoord /Suicide Confession
Selfmoord konfessie
So paar jaar terug het ek deur n baie slegte tyd gegaan. As ek nou terug kyk was dit nie so sleg nie, maar op daai stadium het dit gelyk daars gun niks fokol kans vir uitkoms nie. Ek en my vrou het een
sondag n helse stry gehad. En ek het uit geloop en iewers gaan sit om my kop skoon te kry
ek was op daai stadium amper ses maande werkloos...
Was op die punt om die huis waar in ons gebly het te verloor en ons het geen ander heenkome gehad op daai stadium nie. So het ek op n heuweltjie gesit en my kop try skoon kry.
Terug by die huis het die stry aan gegaan... Ek is beskuldig daarvan dat ek saam met iemand anders gaan le het, wat nie so was nie, ek het gesê ek maak sommer n einde aan dit alles. En n volle maand soos in 90 tranquilizers gegryp en begin drink.
My vrou het gedink as jy vir iemand se "drink nog, dis nie my saak as jy dood gaan nie", dan gaan daai persoon ophou. Ek het nie opgehou nie,- ek het al 90 gedrink...
Teen die tyd dat my vrou
agtergekom het die goed het rerig n uitwerking op my. Het ek basies klaar my bewussyn verloor. My vrou het agterna vir my gese teen die tyd wat die paramedics by my gekom het was my lippe en die binnekant van my naels al blou as gevolg van n te kort aan suurstof...
En dis nie lekker nie. Maar dis nie die punt van my storie nie...
Mense se altyd as jy naby aan dood gaan is dan sien jy "die lig" Toni ek het die lig gesien. Dis nie mooi en oulik en lieflik en rustig soos almal sê nie.
Want as jy daai lig sien
dan besef jy - this is it, daars nie van terug gaan nie. En dan is daar n gedeelte van jou wat besef hoeveel jy nog wil doen op die aarde, hoeveel jy nog wil bereik op hierdie aarde.
En my siel my gees of my stem of ek weet nie wat nie het net gebid Here nie nou nie ek is nog nie reg nie. I am not ready to meet you...!!! Ek het nog te veel om te doen, nog te veel om voor te leef!!!
En daai paramedics het my terug gekry...
Ja ek het 2 dae later in die hospitaal wakker geword.
Heeltemal kaal behalwe vir n kimby. Toe ek van frustrasie die drip uit ruk en opstaan want ek wil pee. Toe val ek myself bloedneus. My bene was verlam... Hulle moes my terug help in daai bed in.
Ek het daarna nog vyf dae geslaap. Vyf dae solid geslaap...
Ek het wakker geword en nogsteeds nie gevoel in my bene gehad nie.
Ek het vir twee jaar ná die tyd n probleem gehad met memory. ek het vir 2 jaar geen korttermyngeheue. Vir 2 jaar kon ek nie onthou wat ek gister gedoen het, wat ek vanoggend gedoen het wat ek 10 minute terug gedoen het nie. Ek was vrek bang dat dit permanent was.
Ek is eerlik met jou.
Dankie Here ek het niks oorgehou nie... Ek lieg ek het een ding oorgehou. Ek het die wil om te lewe oorgehou, die wil om die beste mens te word die beste Mike te word wat ek kan wees. Want dit is waaroor die Here my gemaak het.
Vir die wat dit oorweeg wil ek se:
ek verstaan jy het frustrasie ek verstaan niemand sien jou raak nie ek verstaan jy voel niemand hoor jou nie ek verstaan jy voel niemand luister na jou nie. Jou hele lewe lank was dit so want jy was niks. Gebeur in baie huise waar daar net twee kinders is. Maar ons kan deel met al daai goed.
Jy wat hier lees met seer, moeg baklei is, ons is hier vir jou. En met ons bedoel ek Hannelie en Toni of ek en Hannelie of Louwrens en ek.
Praat voor jy ook daai oomblik beleef van die lig en besef ek is nog nie reg nie....
Suicide confession
So a few years back I went through a very bad time. Looking back now, it was not so bad, but at that point it seemed like there was no fokol chance for outcome. My wife and I had one
hell of a fight one Sunday...
And I walked out and sat down somewhere to clear my head
I was unemployed for almost six months at that time ...
Was about to lose the house where we stayed at and we had no other place to go at that time. So I sat on a hill and tried to clear my head.
Back at home the quarrel continued ...
I was accused of going to bed with someone else, which was not the case, I said I would just put an end to it all. And a full month like in 90 tranquilizers I grabbed and started drinking.
My wife thought if you say to someone "drink more, it's not my business if you die" then that person is going to stop. I did not stop, - I drank all 90 ...
By the time my wife
realized the stuff really has an effect on me. I have basically already lost my consciousness...
My wife told me afterwards by the time the paramedics got to me my lips and the inside of my nails were already blue due to a lack of oxygen ...
And it's not nice. But that's not the point of my story ...
People always say if you are close to death then you see "the light" - Toni I saw the light. It's not pretty and cute and lovely and peaceful as everyone says.
Because when you see that light then you realize - this is it, there is no going back... And then there is a part of you that realizes how much you still want to do on earth, how much you still want to achieve on this earth.
And my soul my spirit or my voice I do not know what just prayed Lord not now I am not ready yet. I am not ready to meet you ... !!! .I still have too much to do, still too much to live for !!!
And those paramedics got me back ...
Yes I woke up 2 days later in the hospital.
Completely naked except for a kimby. Then out of frustration I jerk the drip out and get up because I want to pee. Then I fell myself bloody nose... My legs were paralyzed ... They had to help me back into that bed.
I slept another five days after that. Slept solid for five days ...
I woke up and still had no feeling in my legs.
I had a problem with memory for two years after the time. I have no short term memory for 2 years... For 2 years I could not remember what I did yesterday, what I did this morning what I did 10 minutes ago. I was terribly afraid it was permanent.
I'm honest with you.
Thank you Lord I have nothing left ... I lie I have one thing left...
I have left the will to live, the will to become the best person to become the best Mike I can be. For that is what the Lord has made me to do.
To those who are considering this I would like to say:
I understand you have frustration I understand no one sees you I understand you feel no one hears you I understand you feel no one listens to you. Your whole life it was like that because you were nothing. Happens in many homes where there are only two children. But we can deal with all that stuff.
You who read here with hurt, tired of fighting, we are here for you. And by us I mean Hannelie and Toni or me and Hannelie or Louwrens and me.
Speak before you also experience that moment of the light and realize I'm not ready yet ...
As told by Mike
Written by Toni