Open letter: depression
An open letter from Toni
The word we throw around so easily these days. That word we use to describe anything from a bad day to an overwhelming inability to life. But as anyone with depression knows, it is much more than any one can describe.
It slowly takes over your life to the point where you forget how it all began. It is insidious, creeping up and building up over time. Little, unnoticeable things change at first, leading to bigger changes. Then as if out of the blue, that famous black cloud is overhead.
Depression is when everything feels to hard. When you feel so low that things previously enjoyed no longer holds joy. You wonder how you ever enjoyed anything at all. Wonder what other people have that you can't get hold of. You find it harder and harder to get out of bed. You drag yourself through each day. You find it difficult to go to bed at night. The low is so low that it seems to take over, overwhelming you in a way that you could not have imagined beforehand.
It's a effort to do small things, they seem huge. The pressure to do anything is even bigger. People always say you should talk to someone, but how do you put in words something you don't understand. How do you explain to someone that you want to live your life but don't know how? How do you explain that this no longer feels like a choice, that it controls you not the other way around.
Depression is initially a reaction. A reaction to a life you never thought would be yours. A reaction to #stress and a seeming inability to change your situation. It is an in-acceptance of how things are or were. It is a lack of self-care and a giving to much of yourself to others. It is a deep anger at an injustice or unfairness in life. It is a lack of energy to take any more of what life has for you. It is a deep #sadness and #regret. It's all of this and so so much more.
We aren't always aware of it because of its sneaking up on you taking you over a bit at a time.
For everyone reading this that can relate to all or some of what I have written, it's no good for me or anyone to try and make you get #help.
Yes at the early stages of depression or with a mild depression things like getting out for a walk, doing something you enjoy talking to a friend can help. But withe a deeper long-lasting depression things like this can truly feel just to hard to do. This is why coming out of it alone is so hard to do.
Firstly, there needs to be acceptance that depression is a part of your life for now. An allowing of your depression to be there. Own up to it for yourself. With depression it is counterproductive to keep pretending to be okay. It's okay to be not okay.
Secondly, allow yourself the time needed to get through this: it does take time. There's no magic cure, but as slowly as it developed, it will get better. Before depression it was hard to imagine what you are going, just as now it is hard to imagine ever feeling better. But don't allow not being able to imagine a better future put you off making changes now.
Thirdly, as impossible as it seems to do, you need to get help from somewhere, be it your doctor, a professional or that person who has been trying to urge you out of this. None of these people can do it perfectly, but they will support you, and you need to allow that to happen. There is always resistance, and sometimes the biggest battle can be making that choice to allow others to #help.
Finally, i hope this gets easier for you. I hope you find a way out of this. I hope you get some sense of control back. I hope you find someone that understands you, because no one is alike. #Hope is one of the things that disappear with depression, so for now I will #hope for you until you find that #hope again for yourself.
Creator & Founder
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