Just Never Good Enough

Open letter to my daughter:

"When I heard I was pregnant with you, I was scared. I was very young although married, I was still alone most of the time. I couldn't ask questions because one side of the family never excepted me the other let me feel stupid and not worthy.

But you were born. I will never forget just how proud I was. I tried being there for you through every milestone you reached. Stood watching with heart in my throat at some of the things you did, you didn't have a single scared hair on you. You were just rushing head on into life.

You were lonely Growing up because just like I was never excepted in a family full of brothers and sisters and cousins and nieces you were never excepted. So I put you in a creche half day. I was ripped apart for leaving you at the creche, by my own mother. I really wanted you to just be happy play with friends and enjoy yourself, I did not abandon you.

So my fight began, always doing the wrong thing, always in trouble because I wasn't a mother's ass. If something is told to you long enough you start believing it, so I would ask permission from mom before making a choice. I was scared when you went on school trips, because I knew if something should happen to you I will get the blame.

I walked you to school walked to fetch you from school. And you blossomed. Started doing athletics, netball, I tried to be there for every game every get together.

Yet I still wasn't good enough, all I heard was what I did wrong never what I done right.

I didn't realize that my heart will be ripped out over and over again. I never was allowed to be part of your matric farewell neither your life, your wedding I was a guest that's it. For all purposes I had to stand with you as your mom. But I was always the second one. And then came that hateful night where you broke me into pieces, and I had to keep myself from falling apart. The day at the BBQ when you thoughtless said oh yippee here's my real mom.

Do you k ow how many times I had to hear, you should have been my sister's baby, you had all her trades, do you know how many people told me what was said behind my back about how my family can't believe that you were mine.

Then they wonder why I had multiple nervous breakdowns, Why I tried killing myself multiple times. Why I am bipolar depressed. And they came to an answer yes I was crazy I was trying to get attention. Apparently I always looked for attention.

You had to be guarded against an unstable mom.

Today we rarely see you, although you visit quiet often your grandma and aunt. I got a call once to find out if I was okay, but grandma and aunt gets updates sometimes daily but never less than two days apart.

So am I wrong to say I might have given birth to you. But I was never good enough to be your mom.

It breaks my heart seeing mothers and daughter's so close. See them laugh, here them talk and I know I will be never good enough.

Unknown mom

"Thank you for sharing. There's so many who can relate to this open letter. But mom I want to tell you today for someone out there you are good enough'

Toni

The Shackz

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