Family Life and Cancer
You may be worried about how your cancer diagnosis will affect your family and friends. A cancer diagnosis causes complex feelings and lifestyle changes that can be overwhelming for you and the people you are close to.
Understanding the potential changes in the way you relate to specific family members and friends may help you take steps to grow and maintain healthy, mutually supportive relationships during this challenging time.
How does cancer affect spouses and partners?
The effects of cancer vary from couple to couple. For some couples, facing the challenges of cancer together strengthens their relationship. For others, the stress of cancer may create new problems and worsen existing problems.
Relationships can experience changes in roles, responsibilities, physical and emotional needs, and intimacy and sex. Clear, two-way communication helps both people adapt as changes occur. Counseling can also provide support.
Changing relationship roles. Cancer often forces changes onto the usual roles in a relationship. Someone who has always been in charge or served as the caregiver may have trouble accepting a more dependent role. Someone who has not served in those roles before may struggle to take charge and become a caregiver. One person may try to gain some control by becoming an "expert" in some areas of the disease. They might even become overly protective or controlling.
You may be okay with some of the changes to your relationship and uncomfortable with others. It is important that you talk with your partner about your feelings and work together as much as possible to make decisions about treatment, caregiving, and other issues. It will be important for you both to share your needs and desires and to remain flexible.
Changing responsibilities. In most relationships, each partner handles specific chores during daily life. One partner may do yard work and cook, while the other cleans and pays bills.
If cancer and its treatment leaves you feeling tired or unable to perform your usual tasks, your partner may have to pick up those duties. If you must stop working, your partner may need to go back to work or work extra hours while perhaps also taking on caregiving duties.
Added responsibilities may become overwhelming. This can lead to feelings of frustration and resentment. Meanwhile, you may feel guilty or sad. Talking openly about limitations and possible solutions will help you both feel more comfortable with these changes. It is important to accept outside help from friends, family members, or professionals, even though it may be hard.
Changing physical needs. Cancer and its treatment can impact physical needs, such as your energy level or appetite. Your partner may not realize you need help or know how to help. So it is important to talk openly and to clearly express your needs. Sometimes frustration and anger erupts from misinterpreting the other person's behavior. It is important that both partners talk about their needs and concerns.
Changing emotional needs. Each partner may have different emotional needs that change frequently. After a cancer diagnosis, both people may experience sadness, anxiety, anger, or even hopelessness. Both partners may need extra reassurance that they are still loved. Couples need to be sensitive to the changing emotional needs that come with a cancer diagnosis.
Spouses or partners may want to consider talking with a professional, such as a therapist or counselor, together or on their own. Spouses or partners caring for their loved one may find it easier to express certain feelings alone, without fear of hurting or overwhelming their partner. And it is important that the spouse or partner with cancer is able to express their feelings to someone who can handle the intensity of those feelings without being overwhelmed.
Changing sexual health and intimacy. Cancer and its treatment often affect sexual health. Depression, fatigue, nausea, erectile dysfunction, vaginal dryness, and other physical or emotional challenges may lower sex drive or make intercourse difficult or painful. Both partners may feel anxious about this issue but be reluctant to talk about it.
Every couple has different levels of comfort in talking about sexual health and intimacy. If sharing your concerns and challenges is especially uncomfortable for you, consider getting help from a counselor, therapist, your doctor, or a social worker. They can provide suggestions for managing sexual side effects and suggest ways to maintain intimacy.
How does cancer affect friends and adult family members?
The effects of cancer on your relationships with friends and family members vary widely, based on the closeness of each relationship.
Different families have different communication and coping styles. Consider how your family reacts in a crisis and how family members have dealt with other difficult situations. This will help you plan your strategy for communicating news and asking for support.
Here are some suggestions to help you adjust to relationship changes with friends and family:
Put one person in charge of giving medical updates. Repeating medical information and answering the same questions over and over again can be tiring and time-consuming. It can also be stressful, especially when it is about your own health.
Ask a trusted family member to share medical information with other family and friends. They make necessary phone calls, send emails, answer questions, and provide updates, if you are comfortable with that. They can also assign tasks to family members who offer to help.
Expect relationships to change. Many people have little experience with life-threatening illnesses. They may not know what to say to you or how to act. For some, it may be frightening to learn that you have cancer. Others may have lost a loved one to cancer, and your diagnosis may bring up painful memories. For these reasons, some of your friends or family members may not be able to offer you the support that you expect.
Although this is painful, try to remember that their reactions may reflect their past experiences and losses and not their feelings for you. Some friends and family members may distance themselves from you, but others will surprise you with emotional and physicalemotional and physical support throughout your illness.
Take the lead in talking. Some friends and family members may avoid talking with you because they do not know what to say.
Others may avoid talking about cancer, fearing that they will upset you. If you feel like talking about your cancer, bring up the subject with your friends and family members. Let them know that it is okay to talk about it. Reassure them that you do not expect answers and that you only want them to listen and to try to understand your feelings
It is also okay to tell people when you do not want to talk about cancer. At times, you might prefer to talk about other things or just laugh with your friends. Focusing on things you enjoy or provide a sense of calm can be important to your well being.
Let people help you. Your friends and family members will likely want to help you. But they might not know what you need or how to ask you.
Tips for accepting help:
Prepare a list of tasks that people can do for you, such as laundry, meal preparation, or dog walks.
Be specific about each need by providing details.
Include both one-time errands and ongoing tasks on your list, so people can help at different levels.
You may find that you have a family member who is complicating your efforts. You may know the person is well-meaning but feel they have become overbearing. You or a close family member will need to set boundaries with that person. This may be difficult, but it is best to be direct about what is and is not helpful. One way to approach this is to say, “I appreciate your involvement. But I get tired when you are here every day. The best way you can help me is by visiting on name a specific day or time]."
Stay involved in social activities. As much as possible, try to maintain social contact with friends and family. Your friends might assume that you do not want to be invited to social events. So let them know to keep inviting you, if that is your preference.
Meanwhile, let people know about your physical limitations. Most friends and family members will be happy to plan quiet activities, such as going to the movies or fixing lunch at your house. And do not be afraid to cancel if you are physically or emotionally tired.
How can cancer affect your children?
Being a parent with cancer presents unique challenges. This is true whether you have young children or your children are grown up. Communication is important for children and parents alike.
Talking to your children about cancer. You may want to protect your children from fear and other difficult feelings. But it is important to talk openly with them about your diagnosis and treatment. Even very young children can sense that something is wrong. Avoiding the topic may lead them to believe that the situation is worse than it is. This may create feelings of confusion and fear. Remember that children may overhear conversations between adults and worry more if they feel that important news is being kept from them.
Communication will help your children cope with your cancer diagnosis. But it is important to provide information that is appropriate for your children’s ages. This will help them understand the situation without overwhelming them. Focus on things that will affect them directly, such as changes to their schedules or changes in your appearance, which might be more frightening if they are unexpected.
Changes in children’s behavior. Expect shifts in your children's behavior as they adjust to the changes resulting from your cancer diagnosis and treatment. Younger children may become clingy or impulsive. Older children may become angry or distant and withdraw from family activities.
Tips for dealing with changes in your child's behavior:
Try to keep your children's daily schedule as normal as possible.
Encourage children to ask questions.
Let them know it is okay to talk about their feelings and fears. Reassure your children that they will always receive care and that you will always love them.
Role reversal. Adult children may act as caregivers for a parent with cancer. This is a change that is often difficult for both parents and children. Learn more about caring for a parent with cancer.
Balancing your needs and your children’s needs. Being a parent while living with cancer is often physically and emotionally exhausting. You may wonder how you can continue to care for your family while caring for yourself and coping with a cancer diagnosis.
Reconsider your schedule, to-do list, goals, and expectations. Take help from others and ask for help when you need it. This will allow you to spend less time worrying and more time enjoying your loved ones.
The importance of communication
Good communication is important in relationships between people with cancer and those who care about them. A lack of communication often leads to isolation, frustration, and misunderstandings.
Talking about feelings and personal needs with honesty, sincerity, and openness lowers the stress on relationships. If you are having a hard time talking with people, or if others do not seem to want to communicate with you, consider joining a support group or talking with a counselor or social worker