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Area 51

We all have that area 51 somewhere deep inside our head.

Dissociating is now the default go-to whenever stressed in some way.

The intensity of the dissociation depends on what is causing distress, and how my mind relates it to similar events in childhood, young adulthood.

For example, people shouting (especially men) cause, what I describe as, my ‘essence’ retreating inside of me to a safe space, leaving my body behind as a shell of what it was.

In moments like this my child self learned to act non-confrontational by being passive, but otherwise remaining functional. In adulthood this tends to look like unusual calmness considering the situation.

The ferocity of my own emotions as a child or young adult, threatened to destroy me, so I learned to shelve them away, sealed by dissociative barriers, to be reopened decades later when I had better resources for dealing with them.

Unfortunately area 51 has a way to represent itself at the most inappropriate time.

Example i was sitting in a small doctor's waiting area, looking through a book. When suddenly there was more than one man of color in the doorway talking loudly to one another. And i went in a total panic. There was no way out! Their loud voices small space and no way out brought area 51 out with a unstoppable rush.

I still to this day withdraw totally into myself, knowing i should get out before i get histerical in a shop or mall when there is to much loud voices to much movement everything inside me goes tense and, i wait for the loud explosion, the screaming the shouting windows breaking people rushing to get out of the shop away from the danger. Stepping on one another pushing shoving people falling others just staring stupefied at their own blood..

Area 51is a bastard you manage to forget the fear. But in a second you are back your mind replaying every single detail. And you know you should get out of that circumstances to be able to get a hold of your sanity....


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