ARE YOU AN ENABLER???
Being an enabler usually comes from having the enabled person's best interest at heart. Yes YOU are actually doing more harm than good. If you are unsure if you are helping or enabling take a look at the following warning signs...
@ IGNORING OR TOLERATING PROBLEMATIC BEHAVIOR -
Even if you don't agree with the person's behavior you still might ignore with the person's behavior for any number of reasons
1) you believe they are looking for attention and by ignoring it they might STOP...
2) Not talking about the behavior because subconsciously YOU are afraid of acknowledging that there is a problem.
@ FINANCIAL ASSISTANCE -
To help out financially, now and then if your finances allows it. is good. But if they tend to use the money recklessly, impulsively or on things that causes harm is ENABLING. Regularly giving money in this situation is Enabling not Helping.
@ COVERING AND MAKING EXCUSES -
Your first instinct will be to protect them from the consequences of their actions. So you end up explaining their behavior make excuses for them... Your actions actually gives them the message that there’s nothing wrong with their behavior that YOU will keep on covering for them...
@ BRUSHING THEIR BEHAVIOR OFF-
When dealing with addiction or other patterns of problematic behavior they often tend to verbally abusing you. And you just brush it off with "they're having a bad day" or "they don't mean it". By pretending what they do or say doesn't affect You, YOU give them the message they aren't doing anything wrong...
@ DENYING THE PROBLEM -
By using their explanations of just used once or twice YOU are denying the problem. Re-assuring them you aren't concerned and that they don't have a problem. You may choose to believe this or just agree without believing them. YOU are denying the problem...
@ SACRIFICING OR STRUGGLING TO RECOGNIZE YOUR OWN NEEDS -
Missing out on things YOU want or need because you are so involved in meeting their needs... Then yes YOU are enabling. Do you lack time for any other relationship because you are so consumed in looking after them??
Sometimes we do sacrifice for others we care about doesn't always mean that you are enabling. But the reason WHY YOU DO IT MATTERS... When you are consistently struggling to get things done or feel warn down by your attempts to keep them satisfied... It may help to consider WHY??
@ NOT FOLLOWING THROUGH ON CONSEQUENCES -
You state a consequence to a certain behavior it's imperative to follow through. Not following through gives them the impression that no matter what they do YOU will cover for them YOU will adjust the rules to accommodate them.
@ NOT MAINTAINING YOUR STATED BOUNDARIES -
"Giving in" changing your boundaries gives the enabled a stronger grasp on you emotionally. YOU are allowing them to rule YOUR life YOUR being. When you allow them to cross the said boundaries and there's NO consequences they will keep on doing it...
@ RESENTMENT -
When a pattern of enabling characterizes a relationship it's fairly common for "resentment" or feelings of anger and disappointment to develop. It may be directed towards them the situation or both. even toward yourself. You might feel hurt or angry even obliged to keep on "helping" even when they don't want it. Resentment can damage you emotionally but it can also HELP YOU TO REALIZE THAT THE SITUATION IS NOT HEALTHY FOR EITHER OF YOU!!!!!