How do you know when you are going into a bad mind space?
Prob my sense of personal hygiene. I stop showering. I’ll wash my hair. But not my body. If I wash my hair, people will never notice….
Next, my personal space deteriorates, especially my car. Some might even think I live in my car if they were to walk past it. So much shit. Don’t get me started about, my house. The dishes are piled high. There’s shit everywhere. Clothes thrown all over the floor. Random things that don’t belong in places. It’s complete chaos. It usually takes someone else coming over to finally get the motivation to clean it up. God forbid I let anyone know how I “truly” live.
The funny thing is that once I know I someone is coming over, I can clean my entire house in less than 2 hours. Yet, if I never have anyone over; I’ll have the same pile of dishes sitting in my sink for well over a month…
third, I disappear. I don’t text people back. I don’t answer my phone. I just simply exist. But only to myself. I still go to work, but I don’t talk to my coworkers. This usually occurs for a few days or up to a week. People will ask me what happened and I always find an excuse. It’s exhausting tho. The simple answer is I just couldn’t bare to talk to anyone at the time. Talking to people or even texting someone backs Literallt becomes unbearable to me. Idk 🤷♀️
I start drinking. I don’t ever drink. And when I say “I start drinking”, It’s literally about 1 drink per night, on one or 2 of the nights of that ONe particularly bad week. Bc I don’t drink, the fact that I pour myself a drink, even if it’s just one drink, truly means that I’m not in a good place at that moment. Idk, it’s weird and hard for people to understand bc one drink each night for the average person is extremely normal (glass of wine, a beer, etc). For me, it’s a sign that I’m really not handling things well.
I cry. And I get angry. And I cry. And then I think. Usually the darkest times are when I’ve become most creative. I can feel myself coming out of my dark hole when I start being more creative. After my dark hole, the period followed is when I produce my best work. It was during this black hole in my life that I rethought about my career, my future, how I can make more money, i have rethought everything and strategized differently. When I start rethinking my entire path and doubting myself and my current situation, it’s usually a sign that I’ve just been in a really bad spot as far as my mental health goes.
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Toni
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Carmen
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